They say love moves in mysterious ways, and it did.
Over the past few weeks, I have been troubled with pain and suffering, not just in love, but in a lot of different aspects in my life – financial, personal, family, and career. It’s hard to explain how it feels when you go through a lot of things at the same time especially when your heart is broken. You feel you want to cry because of heartbreak, but then you remember your pain and troubles for another thing and the swirl of emotions go on for the whole day, for seven days, for several weeks. I personally didn’t know what to do, both my mind and my heart are troubled, I didn’t know If I can make it. I’ve thought of doing bad things to myself to end suffering, but friends that kept me company reminded me of my purpose and why I should keep on going; harming myself will just make things worse. Then I realized, is this really what I want for myself? Is this really what I’m destined to be? Is this really what the heavens want me to do to myself?
I was helpless, it’s true. Giving fake smiles, laughing while trying to conceal pain, denying music because it gives more pain, crying in the middle of work, blankly staring the wall for minutes, uneasy feeling, impatience, all of these trouble me for days and it is very hard. I’m trying to get myself together but my mental state won’t help me and I didn’t know how to help myself, but of course I thought I needed to do one thing to at least to divert negative thoughts, that’s when I reached out to read a book, Under Cover by John Bevere. At first I was hesitant to read this as I have removed spirituality in my life, but I thought maybe I needed this. Eventually, the first few pages made me busy and did divert my thoughts in focusing to reading the book.
I learned a lot of things, it made me realize that I have a lot of shortcomings with my relationship with Yoda, I lost the concept of obedience and honesty. Yoda easily gave me his trust and freewill to do things, making sure he won’t be hurt. But I kept things secret and became partially obedient. The book taught me that betraying is caused by unrecognized authority, in this case, Yoda. I was supposed to simply follow basic rules in a relationship but I failed to do so, for so many times. He was forgiving, eventually I pushed him out of his limits. Another mistake I made is partial disobedience, that “almost complete” or 99% obedience is not complete or wholistic obedience at all. In a relationship, you should give your all, surrender yourself and reciprocate what your other half gives you. In any relationship, anything incomplete or partial will cause pain, and transparency is a must; no secrets, no hidden activities.
As I was trying to get up from the huge fall, another mishap happened in my life, some personal and private photos of mine eventually made its way onto the internet. I was skeptic at first, but I saw it myself, and several of my friends did, too. All the energy I gained, all the confidence and hope, gone! In just a few pictures posted I felt small, naked in everyone’s eyes. I felt worthless. One post mentioned “karma”. So I thought, maybe is this the consequence of all the pain and disobedience I did to Yoda, maybe I deserved this? That maybe, this is where I’ll end up to be. That maybe, I’m the guy who will forever be this dirty and low. To my surprise, Yoda came and rescued me. He called me up to check what’s happening, he knew about the pictures. He comforted me. He was scared for me. I felt that his voice was shaking and that he is very much angry to whoever posted it. We then went to see each other. He said that no one’s supposed to hurt me. I felt that after all the pain I caused him, after all the betrayal and disobedience, he was there to save me, he was there to protect me. I didn’t deserve that, but I was grateful. He hugged me, and I felt safe. I felt I was in the arms of the man who will shield me from all the pain. I see a man torn and broken, holding another man who is torn and broken. Two broken hearts who came together and became whole again, with all the scars as remembrance of their past, and guide for their future together. I felt his love, his love protected me and brought back hope and confidence in my life.
Love is mysterious, indeed. In one second you’re in pain, then will feel heaven in another. I can’t express how much happiness and gratefulness I have in my heart now. I wanted to be reunited with him of course, but with all the circumstances that have happened, I really never thought he will still choose me. I was an a***ole, it’s true. I f**ked up. I gave him incredible pain, but he still loved me. He still took a shot, he chose to take another risk with me, and I didn’t deserve that. In all my life, I have never felt that someone would love me like this, unconditional, that regardless of the pain we both felt, especially with what I did to him, that he will still come back to me and entrust his heart to me. This time, I am sure I know what to do. He is still scared, I know, but all this time that we spent away from each other, I know to myself I learned a lot of things; things that will help me become a better person and a better lover. It’s just simply being honest and obedient, that no matter what happens, in everything you do, you always think “will this affect my partner?”. That in every situation, you have to remember what your partner will feel if you do/don’t do something. It’s the small things that matter, then the big picture will be whole.
The mystery of love will always be there, but always remember that the power of love has also its limits. You have to work hard, give your all and be the best reflection of who your partner is and what your partner wants. Because love is more than just pleasing your other half, most importantly, it is about surrendering yourself and protecting his heart all at the same time. Always choose love, and in love, you should always choose to bring out the best in you and your other half.